One

When I was first married, the ceremony and everything surrounding the sanctity of this kind of union made the purpose of the couple very clear, ‘you and your husband are now one.’ The individual ceased to be as important. I tried to grapple with this as best I could as a 22 year old woman. I had just begun to really form myself when I was then expected to reform into less of me and more of us. I don’t believe it is as explicit as that, but the tremblings of society are felt in any divergence from the expectation. The way you dress, how you raise your children, your sex life, your friendships, they are all under the watchful eyes of social norms. It is disconcerting to have a woman be friends with another man when she is married and vice versa. Engaging in ways that were excused because of youth and singledom become problematic as a married person. It makes other married couples uncomfortable. Suddenly there is a challenge to the way others live their lives, not even intentionally, but it is a threat to the calm waters they so painstakingly try to maintain.

I think about the concept of milestones quite often. I would say that I have a visceral reaction to it, but I actually know why I respond so vehemently to the idea. The expectation to graduate high school, to then go to this college, to find your “one and only”, to become the engaged couple, and then the married couple, to then the married couple with a child and so on. What follows with this blueprint is not only the trajectory of your life, but the trajectory of how you act within each of these milestones. You are no longer the individual, but you are “the this “ and “the that”. You stop exploring life, because here is a road map for you and included with the road map is a set of ideals, personality traits and emotions that you don’t need to think about anymore.

The problem is, it doesn’t work. The dissintegration of numerous relationships and families tells us all, that this is not working. Not only are we feeling like we are supposed to go down particular paths, but they are paths that have broken off and leave you lost.

I believe the answer is in cultivating the self along with the relationship. I don’t necessarily think the idea of “being one” is completely wrong, because there is a lot of solidarity within a relationship, but the idea of dissolving the self for the sake of it, will only lead to pain. The reason you are even in a relationship is because someone recognized your individuality and you recognized theirs. To cease cultivating that within a relationship rids one another of the reason it even began.